Here's the L-o-n-g Version

As promised last week, here is the long version of our journey to Elijah.  I apologize in advance for the abundance of details, but I wanted to write it all down for my own sake, as well as for those of you who have asked.  Also, I have written bits and pieces of our story throughout the years, but wanted to have it all in one place to show Elijah one day, so he can see how much he was wanted and loved for all these years.

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John and I fell in love with a little boy who we met in China in 2010.  We were on our adoption trip to meet and bring home Ellie, and we stopped by Nicholas' former foster home for a visit. 

(Elijah is in the red and black shirt; above, Nicholas plays with the boys at his former home).

Before we met, I had seen a photo of Elijah in a newsletter sent from the American missionaries who were Nicholas' foster parents.  Mike and Elisa are a wonderful couple who gave up everything familiar to them and moved to China to serve the orphan over a dozen years ago..

Elijah was just so cute. But -- that is not all.  I think SO so many kids in China are breathtakingly gorgeous.  There was something else.

Elijah had stayed in my mind.  This was not logical nor convenient because we were in the process of adopting Ellie.  

Plus, as Mike and Elisa told us, it turned out that Elijah had no paperwork done and was not eligible for adoption anyway.  

But I dreamed about him repeatedly.  Weird.

Once we were home, I kept asking Mike and Elisa how Elijah was doing.  They asked me if I wanted to advocate for Elijah.  In other words, would I be willing to try to find him a home by talking with U.S. adoption agencies, advocacy sites, and just by spreading the word on social media etc.

(Mike with Nicholas)

They would do the work that could be done in China, and I would do the work that could be done in the States.

Of course I said yes.

Mike and Elisa worked to get Elijah's paperwork processed so that he could be one of the lucky children who are even available for adoption (so many orphans in China never even get to this step; the numbers are just too vast).  That entailed communicating with his original orphanage (who is Elijah's official guardian) and getting them to submit paperwork for him and get medical exams done.  Not as easy as it sounds in a very beurocratic system.

I called many many agencies trying to find one that would help me to find his file (once it was made), and would advocate for him.  Unfortunately the agency we worked with to adopt Ellie (which we really liked) was not willing to do this.  Quite a few agencies were not willing to do this.  We were told how unlikely it was that they would ever get Chin@ to give them a specific file.  That is not the way things are usually done.  Chin@ assigns children to agencies, and families are certainly not able to CHOOSE a child they have met beforehand.

But we eventually found a wonderful agency that said they would help us.  They emphasized that this was a long shot.  A big long shot.  

I think the phrase "needle in a haystack" was used.  

But -- if we were willing to understand that this might go nowhere - that Elijah might never get his file completed, or that another agency would be assigned his file, or that his file would be put on a Shared List and then taken by another agency, etc.-- then it could not hurt to try.

So, we got the ball rolling on our end.  That was 2010.

At the beginning, we did not really think we were going to adopt Elijah, just help him find a family.  We started the adoption process with the idea that our agency would help find a family for Elijah.  But, as a last resort, if they got his file and no one decided to adopt him, we would do so.

I will admit --we secretly hoped that we would be his family.  

During this time, Mike and Elisa emailed us with a frantic message that Elijah had been taken out of their care suddenly, with no word as to where he was going.  They were devastated.  Now, this is perfectly within the rights of his orphanage as guardian, but it just seemed so unfair to Elijah and to all who he loved, the caretakers and the other children, in his foster home.  Sadly, this is what happens to many orphans throughout the world  I wrote here about how it is so hard for kids to undergo loss and change.

There were weeks when Mike and Elisa -- and John and I -- did not know where Elijah was.  I was more upset that I probably should have been, since I had only met this little boy once.

But -- really, I still can't believe it -- Elijah ended up, out of all of the thousands of homes for orphans in China, at An Orphan's Wish, an organization for whom I had briefly volunteered a while back. I knew it was a fabulous home.  I knew he would be very well cared for, and get an education and love. What peace that gave me.

I quickly inquired about becoming one of his sponsors, and that request was granted.  How amazing!

Elijah lived there for almost a year until very recently when An Orphan's Wish closed.  During that time we were blessed with photos and updates of him, for which we are so grateful.  We were able to send Elijah a care package and got photos of him opening them**:

(**By the way, An Orphan's Wish was a home for children, but they had no part in the matching of children with parents nor with the adoption process.  While we received updates on Elijah's daily life and progress while he was there, we still did not know where his file/adoption paperwork was, and neither did An Orphan's Wish.)

One day in February of this year, I received a call from our agency.  They were calling with some not-so-good news:  they discovered that Elijah's orphanage has an exclusive relationship with an adoption agency in Italy.  In other words, his orphanage makes their children available only to this agency.  And this agency did not work with American families.

Things did not look good.  We were sure that Elijah would be matched quickly because his special need is minor (repaired club foot) and he is adorable!  On one hand, we were very happy for Elijah.  Finally, after all these years, he had a chance to find a family!  But, on the other hand, we were disappointed that he would not be ours.

This is when our agency asked us to think about what we wanted to do with our dossier (adoption application).  Do we want to wait for a while to see what happens with Elijah? Would we like to be matched with another child?  I wrote that decision it in detail here.  Basically, we thought the chances of Elijah's file ever becoming available to Americans was pretty slim, and we decided to use our file to adopt another child.  

We are so glad we did.

But we never stopped thinking about Elijah.

Just a few weeks after coming home with Christopher, I called my agency and asked if Elijah had been matched with a family.  

They called me back and had an answer:  yes, he had been matched.  He was going to be adopted by an Italian family.  This time is was final.  

I didn't have the same mixed feelings I had the time I got the initial news about his file going to Italy.  This time I was really, really sad.  Even depressed. 

Nothing made sense: I should have felt only happiness with my new (wonderful, perfect) baby; I should have felt relief because, really, another child right now would be very hard.  

But, over the years of advocating for him, of seeing pictures, of hearing little tidbits about him from afar, we had fallen in love.  And we were heartbroken.

 One little thing that someone at my agency had told me had stuck in my mind.  She had said she would still finish something on our dossier because "you never know...something crazy could happen..."

So I prayed like I have never prayed before.  for a miracle.  For some 'crazy.'

On August 13th, I got a call from my agency.  They got Elijah's file!

No joke.

Elijah's file had been placed on their individual list.  With no explanation from the officials in China@.  

They had been asking for this very thing to happen for years.  And never a response, until this.

I cannot tell you how I felt when I got the phone call.  I was backing out of my driveway, taking my daughter to an appointment.  I had to stop the car because I started balling.  (And I am not usually a big crier. Olivia got very concerned!)  It was just so unbelievable.  I had never had a prayer answered in such a big way before.  After waiting for so long, and after hearing how unlikely this was...

I will always remember the date because August 13th is a sad anniversary to me.  On August 13th, 2005, I lost a very much wanted pregnancy.  This was extremely hard for me and for John.  Our baby's absence is still felt 8 years later, and always will be.

What had been a painful day for me is now one of joy.  

As one of my friend's told me, "God has redeemed this day for you."  And HE has.  Again: adoption is redemption.  For the kids and for the parents.

I am so excited to watch Elijah's redemption unfold.

I am so honored that I get be part of his life.  And grateful that my own redemption story will be somehow intertwined with his.

Wanna hear my secret?

We have been keeping a little secret…

We have some MAJOR news:

Elijah -- yes, THE Elijah, the one I have mentioned here, here, here and here--is going to be our son!!

I cannot tell you how excited we are, and how much in awe we are of the miracle that just took place.  We have heard for years that it was highly unlikely that we would be able to adopt this guy.  But we have been matched and should travel in about 3 months!!

And, yes, we realize that we only came home with Christopher 3 months ago.

Yes, we realize we will have some challenges adopting an older child (he is 7).

Yes, we realize that even the notion of having 6 kids is CRAZY in the eyes of many of our friends and family members (okay, in our eyes too sometimes).

BUT.

The only way I can explain it is to tell you this is our son.  I have know this for 4 years, ever since I saw this photo of him from our friends in China.

(sorry such bad quality)

So, although the timing is perhaps not ideal, we are going to jump at this opportunity to parent this amazing kid.


If you want to hear the longer version of this story, I will post it soon.

It's a good one, I promise.

Elijah

I got the word a few days ago that Elijah was just matched with a family in Italy.

I have such mixed feelings:  I am thrilled for him that he will finally have a family of his own, after waiting 7 long years.

Here he is at age 4 in the foster home Nicholas once lived.

But I am also very sad that he will not be my child.  We have thought of him as ours for so long now.

I can only hope that in some small way we made a difference in his life.  That perhaps our prayers made a difference; that maybe he felt our love across the ocean.

I will always think of Elijah with a bit of sadness, but I am so thankful that God orchestrated it all so that, when we weren't looking for another child, we started a dossier only because of the slim chance that Elijah would need a family.  We wanted to be ready.

Instead, we ended up with our sweet Christopher.  We never would have started an adoption if we thought we were going to adopt another baby.  It just wasn't where our minds were.

I am trying to concentrate on the perfection of God's plan, instead of how mine didn't work out.

Ciao, my little Elijah.  You will have a wonderful life as a little Italian gentleman.  I can already picture you in fine leather and an Italian dress shirt.

xxoo

Ramblings during my 15 hour flight

**Don't know if any of this makes sense -- as I am trying to edit, I am falling asleep, so I will just go ahead and publish what I have.  Those of you who read will forgive me if it is nonsense..**

I'm in the air right now, en route to China.  It feels strange to be traveling alone, without John, this time.  Being with him, talking about it on our flight, made our upcoming adoptions seem more real.  Now, I am have to keep reminding myself that I am on an adoption trip, and that Christopher will be in my arms in a few short days.

I have been thinking about how quickly things change in life.  Often the unexpected happens instantly, but even expected changes -- like this adoption -- happen in an heartbeat.  One minute Christopher will be an orphan, the next he won't.  Just like that.  One moment I don't have a baby in my life, the next I do.  I can forget sometimes, especially because this is my fifth child, how utterly life-changing it is to have a child, either by birth or by adoption.  Really.  This is a new person in our family.  A new dimension to our family dynamic.  It is huge.

I think I have to not think about it or I will be overwhelmed. Both by how scary that it, and how insanely beautiful.

What I do think about all the time is the reason I love adoption stories.  I will read almost any book or blog or magazine story about adoption because the theme is something that I want to replay in my mind and meditate on.  The theme is transformation.  Adoption stories, especially when the child has come out of institutional care, demonstrate such dramatic transformation: physically, emotionally, and developmentally.  It is just amazing what love -- along with good medicine and nutrition -- will do.  Over and over again, I have read about and witnessed sad, malnourished, lonely, neglected children become beloved, energetic, robust, curious, joyous kids.  It is so fun to watch. 

And, the adoptive families, they transform too.  These changes are more subtle, and sometimes go unnoticed by others, but parents and siblings of the newly adopted child are transformed too, in emotional and spiritual ways.  How amazing it is to fall in love with a new daughter or son, brother or sister.  One that might not look or act or speak like you, but in whom you see a soul similar to yours. It is impossible to look at any other human being in the same way again, because you realize that they very easily, perhaps in another time and place, could be your family.  We are not so different, us humans.  And we all have a tremendous capacity to heal and to love.

Adoptive families learn to trust.  Trusting in life, or in God or however you see it, is necessary when you adopt because adoption is a leap of faith.  Actually, so is giving birth or really anything we do in life, but we tend not to see it in ordinary, common-place, daily events.  Yet, adoption takes us out of our comfort zones.  Adoption makes loving family members and even perfect strangers ask you if you know what you're in for.  You might hear a warning tale of two about adoptions-gone-wrong.  But, those who adopt are so glad -- relieved -- they found the courage to ignore the fear and to trust.

I've said it many times:  this is what makes me believe in God.  Many believers adopt because of their faith.  Instead, I was an agnostic who found God through adoption.  Nicholas' whole adoption story was, for me, like witnessing one miracle after another.  Yes, watching him slowly transform from a neglected, sad, underweight little boy into my brilliant, sensitive, funny son was amazing.  But, this story has so many more layers to it. It was miraculous to experience my own wounds heal through this little boy.  This guy, whose birthday happened to be the due date of a child I lost in utero, fulfilled the desperate longing I had for a second child in a way I hadn't learned not to expect.  

And then there was the miracle of Peter -- my surprise birth child, the one whose conception and healthy birth was not supposed to happen (after 4 lost pregnancies). His story cannot be separated from Nicholas'.  I was pregnant with him when we met Nicholas, found out he was healthy the week we got home from China, and the two boys are best friends now. My miracle boys.

Perhaps the most amazing part of Nicholas' story was meeting the missionaries who cared for Nicholas, Americans who picked up and moved to China to dedicate their entire lives (and still do) for caring for these kids.  Who does that?  I had never met anyone whose primary goals were anything but selfish, material and egotistical.  Including my own.  I thought all Christians were judgmental frauds, but I could see the love and sincerity in these people's faces, and in their words and caring actions towards their kids.  At that moment, I wanted to learn more about this Jesus. It opened my heart to see if I could find something more beyond the stereotypes, and behind the veil of religion and The Church.

So, this is why I keep coming back for more.  I am a transformation-junkie, a miracle-junkie.  When I first read of Jesus telling us to care for the orphans, I thought it was all about saving the kids, but I didn't yet know how how all-encompassing God's love really is.  There is always so much more going on than appears on the surface.  That I was going to be saved through this process.  Adoption has been the perfect example for me about how Christianity is not a set a rules we must follow in order to be "good" or to be 'saved."  I'm not sure why God commands certain things and not others, but I know that when I obey them, miracles multiply in ways that bend my mind.

I can't wait to see what transformations God has in store for all of us through Christopher's adoption.

Disruption

On the wall to the left of my desk, I tape pictures of Elijah.  They have been there for about two years, and I add pictures whenever I am lucky enough to get another.  I keep them up to remind myself to pray for him and to advocate for him.

As if I need the reminder.

Looking at his face just makes me smile--not unlike the faces of my other children.  I feel like Elijah is "mine" in a way I can't describe to anyone. He's not mine through birth or adoption; we've only met once, yet I love him.

Last August, right before Elijah turned 6, he left his foster home for a few weeks in order to undergo surgery and casting for his club foot.  What he did not know was that he wouldn't return.  He was transferred to a different foster home.  His foster parents were not informed about this in advance either, and were shocked and saddened when they got the news.  The couple's son, Paul, and Elijah had become best friends and felt like brothers.  They didn't get to say goodbye, either.

Luckily, Elijah ended up going to a wonderful group home for kids with special needs, called An Orphan's Wish.  John and I found him through some detective work, and some good friends' connections.  We were able to become one of his sponsors.  

So, even though his day-to-day life and all he knew and loved were abruptly taken away from him, at least we knew where he was.  I could forward news and pictures on to his former foster parents.  We could keep track of his life.

BUT

I can't stress enough how awful disruption is for young kids.  It makes kids learn to not trust, to not love too deeply because you never know when those people are going to disappear from your life.

It makes you hyper-vigalent, looking for signs and clues that another change might be coming.  Because no one told you about the last big moves in your life, there might be another one around the corner.  

It causes learned helplessness.  Because you don't feel any control over your own life.  A "why bother" attitude develops over time, a depression.  

If you are lucky enough to get placed in a family, it is so very hard to believe that this is forever.  It is so very hard to let yourself trust and love, after losing loved ones so many times before.  It's easier to push people away before they push you away or leave you; that way, you never have to risk getting hurt.

An Orphan's Wish recently announced that due to political and social pressure against foreign-supported foster group homes, it is closing.

Elijah will be moving again.

We are just heartbroken for him.  

It brings up again all of the frustration and anger about the fact that we have wanted him for so very long and he is still without a family.  

Our only consolation right now is that there is a very small chance that he will be allowed to go back to his former foster parents, the ones who were so very devastated to lose him a year ago .  

Will you pray for that with me?

Another tiny glimmer of hope is that our adoption agency directors are visiting China right now, and are requesting that Elijah's file be assigned to them.  Then, we would be able to adopt him.  As of now, he has not been matched through the Italian adoption agency that has a one-to-one agreement with his orphanage.  These requests are not always granted, but it cannot hurt to ask…

Even as we are jumping up and down in excitement about meeting Christopher in just two weeks, we are saddened by the thought of our other little boy, about to be moved again.  We wonder if he knows that he is moving.  Have some of his friends already left?  Does he just feel the tension in the air?  Kids are so intuitive.  Especially ones from "hard places."

Even as we plan my trip to China to bring home our baby boy, we keep completing the paperwork for another older boy's adoption.  Its a huge leap of faith; our agency has stressed again and again that this will probably not happen.

But, if a miracle occurs, we want to be prepared.

The Reason For God

I am doing a virtual Bible study through one of my favorite blogs (yes, I have a lot of favorite blogs, but this was like my 'gateway blog,' the one that started my adoption/big family blog obsession), Nihao Y'all.  We are actually doing more of a book club, and reading The Reason for God by Timothy Keller.

I have read a lot of books on Christianity in the last two years.  Some have been helpful, and some have actually caused my faith to retreat a bit.  Not because what they say isn't true, but because the cultural divide is so big that I feel like I don't fit in the world that the book creates.  Does that make sense?  I think I am just not part of the demographic that the author had in mind:  I am not from a strict Christian home, I am not a conservative Republican, I don't attend a mega-church, and I am still not sure of all the lingo (what is this being "convicted" business?  what is an "altar call"?  Why do I have to "have a heart" for Jesus or for children or for fundraising, instead of just liking/loving these things?)

Keller's book, in contrast, made me feel right at home.  He is a New Yorker (maybe not born and raised, but he is the lead pastor at a church in Manhattan), he is very logical with his approach, and his lingo tends to be more, what can I call it, mainstream or at least what I am used to.  He addressed every cynical, doubtful thought I've ever had instead of assuming I am past them already.  He does not dumb things down:  his book is full of references not just from C.S. Lewis (the Christian go-to intellectual) but quotes theologians, philosophers and critics (he mentions Derrida, Stanley Fish, and Foucault!) that fall outside the realm of most contemporary Christian books I've read.

What I have found most interesting so far is that Keller points out the category into which I think I partly fit:  the "young Christian" (I don't know if I am exactly young, but go with me here…).  Keller explains that religiosity has changed significantly over recent decades:
 
three generations ago, most people inherited rather than chose their religious faith.  The great               majority of people belonged to one of the historic, mainline Protestant churches or the Roman Catholic Church.  Today, however, the now-dubbed "old-line" Protestant churches or cultural, inherited faith are aging and losing members rapidly

As these churches shrink, some people become non-religious, following a secular, humanistic outlook, while an equally increasing number of people find their way to a new kind of church, one that "expects members to have a conversion experience."  The people who attend these churches do not fit neatly into the category of liberal Democrat or conservative Republican:

the new fast-spreading multiethnic orthodox Christianity in the cities is much more concerned about the poor and social justice than Republicans have been, and at the same time much more concerned about upholding classic Christian moral and sexual ethics than Democrats have been

Now, I don't know how much time I spend thinking about sexual ethics, but this social justice part really jumped off the page for me.  Yes!  To me, this is what Jesus is all about.  His total radical focus on the poor, the misfits, the lepers.  THAT is what made me want to be a Christian:  when I saw what the missionaries who took care of Nicholas were doing in China: serving, using their lives for God instead of for nicer kitchens and Disney cruises (and I'm indicting myself here, because we have spent our time and money on those very things), I wanted my life to be about that.

Francis Chan's Crazy Love and David Platt's Radical won me over.  I want to be THAT kind of Christian.  Not the sitting in a pew, judging others type of Christian.

Now it has taken me some time -- and I am not quite there yet -- to make the leap from that desire to the belief that a man named Jesus had to die on the cross so that I, a sinner due to Eve's original sin, will have eternal life with the Father…but I am working on it.

Reading the Gospels is helping me get there.

Attending an awesome, multicultural, contemporary, accepting church is helping me get there.

Meeting awesome friends in the adoption community is helping me get there.

And just plain prayer is helping me get there.

I still fight doubt and cynicism every day, every moment actually.  But, as Keller says, today's faith calls us to use doubt as a tool for a deeper understanding of Spirit.  I like that.  If God is big enough to encompass my questions and my doubts, then I might have found a soft place for my searching to rest.

Summit 9

Last week I had the amazing opportunity to go to Summit 9, which is a large annual conference put on by CAFO about adoption, foster care, and responsibly dealing with the worldwide orphan crisis.  

I still can't believe that I actually went, and got to be a part of it.  This is the kind of thing I read about in blogs and on Facebook and think "wow, I will do that one day when my kids are bigger."

But I have been realizing lately that, for me, waiting until my kids are grown is not going to work.  So much of life will pass me by before all of my kids are grown.  And, especially because we are homeschooling now, there are not going to be many child-free opportunities that just happen to fall into my lap.  I am going to have to be very intentional about finding time for things that matter to me.  

Plus, I am wasting so many opportunities to show my kids what faith in action, and living for others looks like.

So, off to Nashville I went.

I also cannot believe how blessed I am that my sister/friend/kindred spirit, Zoe, was able to join me.  I just can't believe were able to get away!  We haven't seen each other without kids since Zoe's wedding!  Even if Zoe and I had met each other in a cornfield I would have had an amazing time, but the fact that I got to see her AND got to delve into my passion at the same time was a small miracle.

Summit was held at Brentwood Baptist Church, and I have never been to a church quite like this.  Zoe said it looked like a college campus, and she is so right (this picture just does not do it justice).  It was enormous and it was easy to get lost.  The building had its own coffee bar, and basketball court, and so many wings I can't tell you.  Just one of the rooms looked about the size of a church in Princeton. I am guessing they can't hold the next Summit in New Jersey because we don't have churches like that here!

One of the most exciting thing for me was meeting Adeye Salem (above).  Her blog, No Greater Joy Mom is one of my favorites.  It has been so inspiring and challenging, and it has honestly changed me and my view of what I can 'handle'.  Before reading her blog, I had never really thought about what it would be like to adopt kids with special needs.  I mean, Nicholas and Ellie are considered "special need" adoptions because of their cleft lips and palates, but that special need always seemed minor to me because it is correctable and does not hinder 'normal' life.  Sure, we have more surgeries and therapies going on than most families, but that is really manageable.  

What seemed unmanageable to me was something like Downs Syndrome, or Cerebral Palsy, or blindness.  Adeye has children who have all these diagnoses.  And she counts herself as blessed by them.  What a gift is has been to read her blog daily for years.  It has changed the way I see Downs Syndrome, in particular.  I think that most special needs seem scary because they are unknown to us.  Once they become part of your 'normal,' they no longer hold the weight they once did; they become no big deal.  Reading Adeye's blog, getting a glimpse of her life, has normalized parenting Downs Syndrome for me, and I really thank her for being so transparent and open with her family.  

It was really fun to meet (and hug) Adeye.  I told Zoe I felt like was meeting Beyonce!

I hope that one day John and I are blessed with a child with Downs Syndrome.  (Which reminds me, I have to record how my prayers for a certain little girl with DS was just answered…I'll save that for another post…)

Show Hope was another organization I was excited to see (that's their Big Red Bus above).  Show Hope was started by Steven Curtis Chapman, and is an organization that helps to support families who want to adopt but need financial help to do so.  They also built Maria's Big House of Love, which is a phenomenal care center for orphans with medical needs in Ellie's home province, Henan.  

Zoe and I saw Mary Beth Chapman speak, and Steven Curtis Chapman perform (below).

More special to me than all of the speakers, performers, and organizations that were at Summit 9, were just the other attendees walking around, some of whom with their adopted children, many of those
special needs kids.  It was so wonderful to be surrounded by "my people," others who love adoption, parents who know without a doubt that you can love your adopted kids as much as you can your bio ones, people who know that caring for the orphan goes beyond politics, or convenience, or practicality.


The words on this prayer wall below say it all:

it is really that simple. Every kid needs a bed, a place to belong, a family.  

Although CAFO has been criticized (you can read that here, if you dare), and Stuck, a documentary about international adoption, has been criticized here, as has international adoption in general, all of the arguments seem like such nonsense to me after actually seeing orphanages, really meeting kids without parents or who are in crisis situations, AND after seeing what that adoption community, the Christian adoption community in particular, has done to make great strides in alleviating the suffering of our young.

You can talk all you want about imperialism, conservative Christian imperatives, trying to minimalize corruption, and striving to keep children in their original families or birth countries…but in the meantime, lets work together to get those kids out of institutions where we can all agree they do not thrive.

Nothing is improved by letting kids sit in orphanages.

And EVERYTHING is to be gained by loving these children.

Why so many?

Most of the reactions we've received from people about Christopher have been wonderful.  We are so blessed to have so many loving and accepting friends, friends who are jumping for joy with us.  

Along with that, however, we also repeatedly get asked "how are you going to do it?!?!" or "are you done NOW?"

Or, as one 11-year old friend of the family asked me, "Why do you want so many?"*

*(I realize that 5 kids is really not a lot compared to some large families, but around here, more than 4 puts you on the bus to Looneyville).

It's actually hard for me to articulate.  Or, I should say, I can tell you if you want to sit down and have an hour-long conversation.  It is very hard to explain in a one-line answer.

I could go all Duggar on you and say "I think children are blessings."  And that would be true, but that is not all of it.  I think that modern medicine is a blessing, too, but I don't want to be a doctor.

I could tell you "I just love kids, " and that would be true also.  But many people love kids and have only two or three.  Or use their passion in their careers as teachers or coaches, etc.

Or, I could tell you about the orphan crisis, about how there are approximately 147 million orphans in the world, and that I find it ironic that so many of my well-meaning American friends worry about our environment but have never thought about the millions of children who inhabit our planet without families.  Without medical care or education or love.

But, that answer makes it sound like I am some kind of saint.  And I am not.  I am positive I am uninformed about some other atrocity going on, some other important work I should be doing to make this world a better place.  I am selfish and lazy and just a regular person who make mistakes.

But, all of these reasons:  my liking kids, my seeing them as a blessing rather than a burden, the fact that I had the opportunity to meet real orphans myself, to see them as Elijah and Ben and Laura rather than as the abstract "Orphan" -- all of that worked together to make me want to keep adding to our family.

Oh, and there is also my faith.  

And this is the part that would take a really long to explain.  A few others to whom I've have spoken seem to be really wrapped up in fear.  I have heard questions about how we plan to send them all to college, or about the unknowns in our kids' diagnoses or their genetics.  Or simply questions about how on earth I will keep the house clean and, of course, continue to homeschool.

The old me would have wanted answers to those questions, too.  Solid, specific answers written on a timeline in color coded markers with a key.  I loved to plan.  I think it made me feel in control when I could get it all down on paper and see how things were going to happen.

Except they didn't.  At least not in the way I had planned.  The most glaring example of this was when John and I lost many pregnancies.   That was not at all what I had planned.  Along with grief and pain, I felt utterly frustrated and out-of-control.

Now, I see how the most painful times of my life led me to God (on a very roundabout, indirect path)  That has changed my life in many many way, but the most profound, perhaps, is that I no longer feel such a strong desire to plan and to control.  Along with that, I no longer have to worry or fear that things won't work out my way.

I now believe that every situation in life can go one of two ways:  it can work out the way we wish. As in, I really hope this pregnancy is a healthy one and it ends with a bundle of joy.  And that is great.  I love when things work out that way. Don't we all?

Or the situation goes another way. As in, the pregnancy ends in miscarriage, or there is a poor prenatal diagnosis, or an injury incurred during birth, or a major medical need, etc. (there is always an infinite number or ways for things to go "wrong").  But what is cool is that this is great, too.  

It always ends up great.  

Yes, because of the cliched "you learn from it," but also because, as I have discovered, grace and blessing come from weakness.  From lying on the floor weeping and admitting defeat.  From giving everything over to God.  From relinquishing control.  From radical acceptance of what is.

"Learn the alchemy true human beings know. The moment you accept what troubles you've been given, the door will open.  - Rumi

I know others could argue with me about cases when everything does not end up perfectly.  But, I choose to believe that we cannot see the whole story all of the time.  That we cannot understand God's reasons.  And I also believe that the story does not always end within our lifetimes.

Of course, I have moments of doubt.  Moments of wanting things to go easily and to go my way.  Of course, the regrets from the past and the fear of "what if…" from the future sneak their way into my mind at times.  But, I have become much better at being "vigilant about pulling my mind back from the brink of panic," as Geneen Roth says in her book Lost and Found (which I'm reading it now and loving, BTW).  

It's like, as Buddhist monk Pema Chodron says "sitting at the Grand Canyon with a grocery bag over your head and suddenly realizing that you have the choice to take it off." Life has suddenly become so much easier.  So much more beautiful. 

And, it is not just the Eastern religions and philosophers that have suggested this way of thinking.  As a new Christian, I was surprised and excited to see that the Bible tells us to stop worrying, too. Philippians 4:6 tells us: "Do not be anxious about anything , but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."

I choose to listen to Jesus when he says "Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own" (Matthew 6:34). 

And it is only as I do this that I jump into parenting many kids.  Yes, I love kids, and, yes, they are blessings.  And there definitely are too too many orphans, and I can do something about that (so can you!). 

But I mostly do it because I am not scared.  I know it won't be easy, but it can be done.  And when I ask myself that famous question, "what would you do if you weren't afraid?" the answer is always the same:  I'd be a mom of many.  

So here I am.

Joy Comes with the Morning

"Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning." - Psalm 30

I spent last week feeling really sad.  Our contact in China found out that Elijah's orphanage has a on-to-one relationship with an agency in Italy.  His file will be sent there and is therefore not available to an American family.  I can't explain why this was such a surprise to me.  I knew intellectually that the chances of us being matched with Elijah were slim.  In fact, I said that to anyone who was so kind as to ask about our adoption.  But, I "knew" that he was meant to be ours.  I really and truly felt that Elijah was our son, in a way that is not logical or intellectual in the least.  

There is a chance that Elijah will not be matched by his Italian agency:  he is already 6 and just that fact alone limits the number of families that will be interested in his file.  If his file is not matched in Italy, it will be put back on the Shared List and we would have a chance to adopt him.  But, I find it hard to believe that he won't find a family.  He is so darn cute! He has "file appeal." (In fact, he is so handsome that John and I can really picture him in Rome or Milan, decked out in fine leather and an Italian button down shirt!) 

I really pray that Elijah does get matched in Italy, despite my own desire to raise him myself.  His file has sat for so long in China.  I hate the thought of it sitting longer in Italy, only to come back to the Shared List.  We have been waiting for him for years (I first saw his picture when he was 3!) and it just seems to sad his file would have to stay in this holding pattern for any longer.

John and I went out to dinner on Thursday night -- a rare treat for us.  We talked about what we want to do next.  We have one dossier finished, and a second in the making.  We just met with our social worker to update our home study to allow us to bring home 2 children.  As I have said before, we were not hoping to bring home 2 children at once (although, you know I would!) but instead keep one dossier around just in case Elijah became available, and use one dossier to bring home a waiting child's file that is already available.

John and I decided that we should go ahead and use our dossier to bring home another child now.  In the slim chance that Elijah's file does become available, it will take a while -- hopefully by then our second dossier will be done.  

I was happy to see that John was really thrilled about the thought of adopting another child.  It is nice to be totally together on this.  Although John eventually became excited about adopting Elijah, I was definitely driving that bus.  

We remembered out last adoption (Ellie's) and how once we got our LID (log-in date) our agency had us wait for 18 months until we were matched, by them, for Ellie.  Our previous agency is a big one, and had a lot of families waiting for a young girl with the needs we specified.  We expected to wait another 18 months or so for a child this time -- perhaps less since we are happy to adopt a boy, the waiting time for boys in most adoption circumstances is much shorter.  

I felt frustrated and weepy at dinner thinking of waiting that long to bring a child home.  I am so ready now.  The kids are so ready -- they have been waiting for Elijah for a long time (they knew it was never a sure thing) and cannot wait to have another brother or sister to join "Tiger Academy," our goofy homeschool name.  And now, John is ready, too.  We are all on the same page, and it felt maddening to be stuck in pause.

But, when I called our agency the next day, I got some wonderful news!  Our agency can match us ASAP!  It is a much smaller agency:  they only have 6 families who are waiting, and they are waiting for baby girls.  Also, our agency matches from the Shared List (something our previous agency rarely did) and that very list is coming out tonight!  There is a possibility that our son might be matched with us this week!

I have learned a lot lately about not letting my Grand Plan take over.  I had written, directed, and practically acted out the whole play of how Elijah's adoption should go.  I feel like I got a much-needed nudge from God, letting me know that He is writing our life stories, not me.  I needed that.  It hurts, but I needed it.   

I will not try to push my ideals onto this adoption.  Perhaps our son is not going to be available for a while.  Perhaps we need to wait, for reasons that I do not need to know.  I will try to be patient and use the waiting period and a chance to grow closer to God.  To learn to trust.  To learn to be lead by both my husband and my Lord.

Letting go, not taking over, is not easy for me.  But I am finding joy in this surrender.  

I continue to pray for Elijah. That his heart is protected as he waits in orphan care.  That he finds a wonderful family sooner rather than later.  

And I pray that we trust God to lead us to the son he has meant for us all along.

"Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy." - Psalm 126