Monday, February 25, 2013

Joy Comes with the Morning

"Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning." - Psalm 30

I spent last week feeling really sad.  Our contact in China found out that Elijah's orphanage has a on-to-one relationship with an agency in Italy.  His file will be sent there and is therefore not available to an American family.  I can't explain why this was such a surprise to me.  I knew intellectually that the chances of us being matched with Elijah were slim.  In fact, I said that to anyone who was so kind as to ask about our adoption.  But, I "knew" that he was meant to be ours.  I really and truly felt that Elijah was our son, in a way that is not logical or intellectual in the least.  

There is a chance that Elijah will not be matched by his Italian agency:  he is already 6 and just that fact alone limits the number of families that will be interested in his file.  If his file is not matched in Italy, it will be put back on the Shared List and we would have a chance to adopt him.  But, I find it hard to believe that he won't find a family.  He is so darn cute! He has "file appeal." (In fact, he is so handsome that John and I can really picture him in Rome or Milan, decked out in fine leather and an Italian button down shirt!) 

I really pray that Elijah does get matched in Italy, despite my own desire to raise him myself.  His file has sat for so long in China.  I hate the thought of it sitting longer in Italy, only to come back to the Shared List.  We have been waiting for him for years (I first saw his picture when he was 3!) and it just seems to sad his file would have to stay in this holding pattern for any longer.

John and I went out to dinner on Thursday night -- a rare treat for us.  We talked about what we want to do next.  We have one dossier finished, and a second in the making.  We just met with our social worker to update our home study to allow us to bring home 2 children.  As I have said before, we were not hoping to bring home 2 children at once (although, you know I would!) but instead keep one dossier around just in case Elijah became available, and use one dossier to bring home a waiting child's file that is already available.

John and I decided that we should go ahead and use our dossier to bring home another child now.  In the slim chance that Elijah's file does become available, it will take a while -- hopefully by then our second dossier will be done.  

I was happy to see that John was really thrilled about the thought of adopting another child.  It is nice to be totally together on this.  Although John eventually became excited about adopting Elijah, I was definitely driving that bus.  

We remembered out last adoption (Ellie's) and how once we got our LID (log-in date) our agency had us wait for 18 months until we were matched, by them, for Ellie.  Our previous agency is a big one, and had a lot of families waiting for a young girl with the needs we specified.  We expected to wait another 18 months or so for a child this time -- perhaps less since we are happy to adopt a boy, the waiting time for boys in most adoption circumstances is much shorter.  

I felt frustrated and weepy at dinner thinking of waiting that long to bring a child home.  I am so ready now.  The kids are so ready -- they have been waiting for Elijah for a long time (they knew it was never a sure thing) and cannot wait to have another brother or sister to join "Tiger Academy," our goofy homeschool name.  And now, John is ready, too.  We are all on the same page, and it felt maddening to be stuck in pause.

But, when I called our agency the next day, I got some wonderful news!  Our agency can match us ASAP!  It is a much smaller agency:  they only have 6 families who are waiting, and they are waiting for baby girls.  Also, our agency matches from the Shared List (something our previous agency rarely did) and that very list is coming out tonight!  There is a possibility that our son might be matched with us this week!

I have learned a lot lately about not letting my Grand Plan take over.  I had written, directed, and practically acted out the whole play of how Elijah's adoption should go.  I feel like I got a much-needed nudge from God, letting me know that He is writing our life stories, not me.  I needed that.  It hurts, but I needed it.   

I will not try to push my ideals onto this adoption.  Perhaps our son is not going to be available for a while.  Perhaps we need to wait, for reasons that I do not need to know.  I will try to be patient and use the waiting period and a chance to grow closer to God.  To learn to trust.  To learn to be lead by both my husband and my Lord.

Letting go, not taking over, is not easy for me.  But I am finding joy in this surrender.  

I continue to pray for Elijah. That his heart is protected as he waits in orphan care.  That he finds a wonderful family sooner rather than later.  

And I pray that we trust God to lead us to the son he has meant for us all along.

"Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy." - Psalm 126

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