I haven't written lately because I have been kind of depressed. And when I am depressed I don't talk much. Apparently, I don't write either.
I have been really sad about Elijah. You know, that stomach-sinking feeling of disappointment. And also confusion. Because I -- for some really illogical reason -- really believed it would all work out with his adoption. I would talk the talk, and tell anyone who asked that I knew it was unlikely etc. etc., but I was really just biding my time until my miracle happened.
At the same time, my good friend lost her father. I feel so sad for her, as I remember her talking about him in college with such love. I know that this 'loss' of Elijah is not much as compared to the profound loss that she is experiencing, so I am trying not to be so sad but instead to appreciate all I have right now, which includes 2 healthy parents.
So, I have been grappling with these feelings, and not writing very much.
I read a post from one of my favorite blogs about God being able to do the impossible, and I have been praying for that continually. My agency told me they would keep an eye out for Elijah on the Shared List "in case anything crazy happens" -- that little phrase stuck in my mind and I am still holding onto a sliver of hope:
"This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us -- whatever we ask -- we know that we have what we asked of him." -- 1 John 5:14-15
But life around here
|Mommy and Olivia day out|
|Day at the Shore|
|The boys love the beach|
|Ellie posing with our beautiful hydrangeas|
|Bike rides/walks with Nicholas are a daily pleasure|
We are getting a second opinion, but all of the feedback I have received from the ectrodactyly support group (on Facebook) seemed to concur that surgery, while young, is the way to go. So, we are preparing for this surgery, probably in October.
At the same time, the surgeon will probably remove a finger that is attached to Christopher's fingers, but is not attached to the hand. It is a non-functioning finger and there is not much they can do to 'save' it. I am not looking forward to this -- watching your child scared and in pain is never fun, especially with the little ones who can't communicate their fears or discomforts.
Also, Nicholas is in the midst of getting his palate expanded by an orthodontist in preparation for his bone-graft surgery in which two gaps in his palate will be "filled in." This is considered to be one of the bigger surgeries in the cleft palate protocol, mostly because of the bone extraction and the healing that that involves. Again, I am not looking forward to this, but at least I can explain everything to Nicholas and calm him down when he gets nervous.
So we have a bunch of pre-ops, hospital stays, and post-ops in our future.
Christopher met with an Early Intervention team for an evaluation last week. He was really shy at first (when he is shy or overwhelmed he holds his hand over his eyes like a visor -- and he did this for the first hour), but he warmed up eventually. He definitely qualifies for services, all 3 in fact: OT, PT, and speech. But I am really not surprised or worried. Christopher is doing fine for a kid who didn't have much stimulation or get out of his crib much for 13 months. And the therapists were really impressed with his social and cognitive skills. Those two -- to me -- seem to be so much more foundational and also so much harder to address with typical therapy, so I am glad that the therapists agreed with me that he is on target in those areas.