Day 20: The Family Portrait

Our wonderful friend and photographer Lisa Shifflett took our family pictures again this year. 

 I really think professional photos are an important investment.  

They are some of my favorite possessions.

It is so fun to see how the kids change, and how the family changes.

And, the photos have an even more poignant meaning this year.  

It is proof of a miracle.  

My Elijah is really, honestly, truly smack dab in the middle of our family portrait.  

How crazy is that?!

Elijah was also excited to finally be in the family picture.  

I think it represents to him that he is part of our crazy clan.  

Once we get the final shots, I am going to get a printed copy and blow it up poster-size.  

Maybe with a quote about miracles attached to it.  

Here's a preview...

Day 14: Consistent Feedback

Homeschooling has been hard lately.  Not the academic part (that is really only a small part of it) but the living-together-24-7-part.  There has been a lot of quarreling between the kids, and that leads to quarreling with me as I intercede.  It hasn't been pretty.

I have 6 kids with 6 big personalities.  There are always a lot of differences of opinions and it gets heated.  I don't like heated.  I like calm and peaceful.  And unicorns and rainbows.

I tend to tense up when the kids fight.  And then I react out of this nervous, negative energy. 

Think: 

"Stop it!" and  "You need to be NICE to each other!!!"  

That type of thing.

And - surprise, surprise - it doesn't work.  All it does is raise my blood pressure.

From everything I have read, and from every seminar I have taken (and I have read and attended A LOT), I need to be the regulating force in the family (as does John when he is here in the evenings and on weekends).  I need to be the calm with which the kids calibrate themselves.

This is so hard for me.  

How does one stay cool and calm when people around are screaming and crying?

I just don't know.

But, I have figured out that what I am doing is not working, so I have got to give calm a shot.  

Because when I get upset I am giving the kids very negative feedback.  I am focusing on what is going wrong and on what they are doing wrong.  And some (all?) of my kids are very sensitive to negative feedback.  And it exacerbates the situation.  

I am trying to give much more positive feedback, both in the midst of trouble and otherwise.  I am trying to be encouraging rather than just disciplinary.  

And I am trying to see every fight between the kids as not quite a "crisis" but as an opportunity for my own growth, as well as that of the kids'.  

Getting along is part of our curriculum, 

perhaps the most challenging and the most important. 

Day 4: Consistency in Parenting

What a overused concept: consistency in parenting.  It seems to be on the cover of every parenting magazine and the topic of dozens of how-to books. But, as I have learned, it really is all it's cracked up to be.  Being clear with your kids about what is expected of them, and of what they can expect from us and their surroundings, is key.  As is being clear about the consequences that we can all face for not doing what is expected.  

But consistency, as I have mentioned is not my thing.  I don't like rules because rules never take into consideration different circumstances. There always seems to be an exception to the rules: if one looks at a certain situation from an alternative perspective, everything looks different.  I'm definitely a postmodern type of girl.

But I have prayed in recent years for the ability to follow through on the consequences John and I have set for the kids.  I have seen how being inconsistent with these consequences have resulted in the kids not growing in certain areas: manners, time management, and diligence are the first to come to mind.

They are great kids, really they are.  But, I know they could benefit from clear boundaries and expectations.

So, as I said, I prayed many times to be a more consistent parent.  And, I laugh now as I see how God answered my prayer in the form of Elijah.

You see, Elijah needs firm boundaries perhaps more than any of our other kids. He is still relatively new around here (been home 10 months) and implicit rules don't cut it for him.  He needs to hear exactly what we do and why. Things that I do not need to spell out for the other kids, because they have witnessed our norms since being babies, I need to make clear for Elijah.

For example, we do not walk behind the counter at stores.  That is only for people who work there.

We stay with our family when we walk somewhere (i.e. a parking lot, an amusement park, or a store). 

We do not cut our own hair (see the above picture.  This rule did not sink in yet, apparently).

We do not make fart jokes in front of old people (there may be exception to this rule, but I am playing it safe on this one!)

If I am inconsistent with any of my rules, Elijah will call me out on it and ask why it is not so this time.  He questions everything, as he is still learning to fully trust us and that our rules are really in his best interest.

I've also noticed with Elijah that if I do something a little bit different one day than I had done before, he becomes dysregulated.   I need to keep our school day in the same order every day -- even if I think moving the kids' one-on-one time with me around might work better on a particular day -- or Elijah will start to pester me, interrupt, and not focus on his work.  If I really need to change things around, I have found it best to think ahead and tell Elijah about that change the night before.  Then he is prepared and, I think, feels more in control.

Another example of Elijah's intolerance for inconsistency is from this past summer.   Several times in a row, we had gone to the community pool and had a snack at the snack bar before heading home.  I didn't even really notice that we had done this so regularly, until one day we decided not to get a snack.  We were running late for an appointment, and told the kids we would having a snack at home.

Elijah completely froze. He stood still, dripping wet from the pool and refused to dry off or get changed.  He eventually started sobbing.  And the sobbing did not stop for at least half an hour.  When we finally got him to talk about what had upset him so, it was that he did not get his usual french fries from the snack bar.  While this behavior might seem just like a spoiled child to an outsider, we know from many other instances that Elijah is not just pouting because didn't get what he wants.  He is simply unable to cope with sudden change and with disappointment, and with things not turning out as he had thought.

After all, things have been so turbulent and so out of his control very often for him in his past.

Through Elijah and the immediate consequences of my not being clear and consistent, I have slowly become more deliberate and steady in my mothering.  I think all the kids have benefited from this.

There is still a lot of room for improvement, but I have already noticed our school work and chores going more smoothly.  I should have listened to those experts years ago. You live, you learn.

We Received a Gift Today

Today we received an unexpected email which included lots of photos of Elijah, from about 5 months old until the present.

Oh my goodness, how adorable is he?!

So many adoptees and adoptive parents are never blessed with baby pictures that fill in some missing pieces.

We are so lucky.

Of course, along with these photos -- like so much of anything connected with adoption -- there are mixed feelings.

While I am so happy to have these photos, I am so sad I was not there as his mama when he was a baby.

I can't stop my mother-brain from thinking "how did he get that bruise?"  or "why is he sad in that picture?"

I would be lying if I said I didn't have a little stab of jealousy because someone else is holding my baby when I couldn't.  And, at the same time, I am so grateful someone was. 

I am a bundle of contradictions:  both angry that the paperwork took so long when we were waiting here all along, and also so struck with awe that, against all odds, he is here with us now.

I love this photo because it looks so much like Elijah does today.  It reminds me that he is the same boy, the same soul, even though he is 6 years older.  

It wasn't too late.  He is here now.  And he is such a gift to this family.

The Ups and the Downs

Elijah has been with us for one month now.   I know the phrase " meant to be" is tossed around a lot, but it is what comes to mind when I think of my newest boy.  Not only was our meeting and adoption match so amazing but Elijah fits in here so well and the adjustment has been relatively smooth.

Ellie and Elijah have a particularly sweet relationship.  She really idolizes him.  And he is so sweet in return.

My definition of "smooth" might not be someone else's.  I was preparing myself for the worst.  I expected complete rejection, acting out, frustration etc.  So, while things are not perfect and a Elijah does not act like a typical 7 year-old, I am so pleased with where he is.  

We have our ups and downs.  Sometimes the biggests "downs" and the sweetest "ups" occur in the same day. 

Our attempt at an almost-family picture.

Elijah is learning both spoken and unspoken rules that our family and culture has.  Rules that our kids, here since birth or as babies, just know.  Things like, don't yell inside, especially around Daddy.  Don't touch other people's food on the conveyor belt at the grocery store.  Don't pour water on your siblings' heads in the bath.  And don't, ever, knock down anything Nicholas has built, be it out of snow, blocks, Lincoln Logs, or anything.  Seriously, you'll be sorry.

Setting boundaries continues to be an issue, of course.  Elijah really doesn't like it when I say no or limit the number of TV shows he watches etc.  He usually doesn't really behave terribly, just little acts of defiance, such as dumping a basket of toys or running in the opposite direction of where I've asked him to go.  Once, he even ran and grabbed scissors from a kitchen drawer and cut his hair! That has been his worst misbehior to date.  But I think he regrets it, as I have caught him checking himself out in the mirror and (I imagine) noticing how funny he looks with a chunk of hair missing.

One day he simply would not talk to me because I had said no to tv.  He wanted to be alone and looked very sad.  When I got down on my knees and tried to talk to him and look in his eyes, he obviously got very uncomfortable, like he was about to cry but did not want to, and yelled at me to go away.  That is hard for me, but, I am sure, much harder for him.  

But, that night, Elijah surprised me with kisses!  He has watched me and Ellie do our evening routine of 10 kisses and 10 hus before bed every night.  That night, after cutting his hair and pushing me away all day, he kissed me over and over again, giggling and hugging me.  It was so nice, and made me think that maybe enforcing the safe boundaries, while hard, is a good thing.  As you all know, a kid feels safer when he or she is not in charge, when a parent cares enough to set reasonable limits.  I hope that these, along with my demonstrations of love, are making him feel safe and secure here.

6 children is definitely more than 5, in terms of housework.  I feel like I am constantly making meals and snacks, and continually cleaning up the house and doing laundry.  Not to mention kissing boo-boos and getting kids dressed in snow pants, jackets, gloves, hats, and scarves to go play in the snow.  I am finding that household routines are more important than ever.  I am not naturally good at following plans.  I'd rather fly by the seat of my pants, but that isn't working any longer, if I ever plan on sleeping.  But, I am glad to find that I am not sinking into the doldrums, but feeling pretty happy.  I am not sure why this is, other than the fact that I am living my dream-- 6 kids and I get to stay home with them.  To me, this is awesome.  I know, not for everybody, but it makes me very happy.  I have no qualms about turning 40 this year, and I think a lot of it's to do win the fact that I am happy wih where I am in life.  So thankful. 

Technology and Attachment

I have not been blogging very often not because things are hard and chaotic (although they can be, at times) but because technology has become an issue in our household lately.

As I have mentioned, Elijah is really into 'screen time,' be it TV or handheld devices, or computers.  

And, I know, this is not a huge issues.  We are blessed that we are not dealing with some big adjustment problems.  Elijah, on the whole, is loving, sweet, funny, and kind.  He has attached so well to me, and is warming up to John slowly.  He gets along well with his new brothers and sisters.

But he is obsessed.  More so than the average kid.  Much more than my other kids, at least.

And,  when he plays, he zones out.  It doesn't seem to matter what is on the screen, as long as he has something to stare at.  

And when I take it away, or limit it in any way, he is furious.

And when he sees me on the computer or iPhone, he is furious that I have it and he doesn't.  Thus, the no blogging.  Its hard to find time to 'sneak in' my screen time.

I know from lots of smart adoptive parents and therapists, that technology hinders attachment.  It pushes social interaction  out of the picture.  It is a safe escape from learning to attach to your new family.

So, I have taken all of our iPads and Leapsters and locked them in our safe.  And I have unplugged the TV's.  

So far, that has been awesome for our family.  And when the technology is out-of-sight, I don't have to say no all day long.

We all get to play a lot.

 Outside.

And in.

I have noticed how much I have used screen time as a crutch for me to get stuff done.

As my babysitter.

How did I not realize I was doing this?

I mean, we have a school time rule of no tv and iPads, but somehow they sneak in for "educational" reasons...and we sped less time really living.

I can't tell you how exhausted I am from all of the interacting I have been doing!  It is full on all day, every day.  Running, piggy back rides, biking, playing board games, cooking, etc.

Here is Olivia and I learning to make Chinese food with our fabulous Chinese teacher, Ms. Linda.

Chris joined in on the steamed bun fun, too!

All of this no screen time has been great for the entire family.  Elijah, in so many ways, is a reflection of our family.  Not how we want it to be, or how we hope to be one day, but how we are right now.

He mimics us because he is trying to figure out how to fit in around here, and sometimes I don't like what I see.  

But I am so grateful for this opportunity to see it, and to make changes.

Once again, adoption blesses me. 

But if I don't return your texts, please understand!