Day 19: Consistent Trust

Two things happened last year that made me believe that God hears our prayers. The first one was Christopher and the second one was Elijah.

I have talked in length here about how God heard my years of prayer about Elijah.  And the answer to that prayer was -- thank God! - a yes.  But Christopher is the result of a "no."  Or at least a "not now."

And the result is just as beautiful.

We didn't plan to adopt Christopher.  In fact, I had told myself I would never adopt from the "Shared List."  The Shared List is a list of children available for adoption from China who are not represented by a specific adoption agency.

Some orphanages have partnerships with agencies and they give the files of some of their children to them.

Or, China's central adoption government office assigns some children to agencies in the US (or other countries that participate).

But some kids, for a myriad of reasons, do not get assigned to agencies and are placed on the Shared List.  

I didn't want to adopt from this list because (1) our agency would know little to nothing about our potential child and the care he had been getting (2) you have only 72 hours to decide yes or no to a child's file before it is "released" back to the Shared list.  That's a lot of pressure.

We had a dossier ready for Elijah's adoption when we were told he would not become available, so we were given the choice to adopt another child or just leave scrap our file.

We decided to adopt another boy.  Our agency took a look on the Shared List and they "locked" (held for 72 hours) 2 files of baby boys for us.  One of them was Christopher.  His picture was just captivating.

We were still so sad about the fact that Elijah was not going to be ours.  We really wondered if we should adopt another child when our heart was in another place.

And we wondered how the other kids would react to another brother, one who was not the much-talked-about Elijah.

When I met Christopher, it truly was love at first sight.  It sounds so cliche, and I will tell you that it does NOT always work like that in every adoption.  As in many types of relationships, sometimes love just has to grow.

But this was the stuff of adoption fairy tales.  He was timid and shy, but we connected quickly.

As he did with all of the other family members when he came home.

Everyone just loves Chrissy.  And, as I've mentioned before, not all of my kids get along all the time. But everyone loves Chrissy.  He is super spoiled.

He just has a great personality.  He is happy and has an awesome belly laugh.  He already has a good sense of humor.  He points at any man over 65 and says "Papou!"(my father-in-law) and then shakes his head and says "No..."  After that joke got a bit old, he started pointing at older women and saying the same thing.  Then, dogs.  

Each time with a belly laugh.

He is sweet but no pushover.  He yells and stomps his feet and gets his point across despite his speech delay.  But, for some reason, it is just cute when he does this.  

I might not be saying this when he is 10.

He is affectionate and cuddly.

Something about him makes everyone want to help him 

(here, Nicholas is helping him feel comfortable for his well check-up by taking off his own shirt, too.)

He loves doing everything: homeschool experiments,

music class

swimming at the pool

camping.

(Maybe every 2 year old likes these things, I guess).

Christopher has become the family glue.  He is our equalizing force; the one thing we can all agree on on any given day.

I suppose a lot of this goes along with being the baby of the family, but, no, there is something especially lovable about Christopher.

His warmth, his playfulness, his willingness to try anything with a smile on his face.

But what also makes him special, I think, is the fact that he was so unplanned.  Such a surprise gift.

He is my reminder that God's plans are bigger and better than mine.

And that I can trust in the unknown (something very hard for me).

If everything had gone my way, my kids would have been deprived of one of their best friends.

And I would have been without one of my sweetest treasures.

Day 18: Consistent Work, Consistent Offering

I love this quote from Elisabeth Elliot.  I use the mantra "this job, not some other" when I am tired and disgruntled.  This is where I am meant to be, nowhere else.  This is the toilet I am meant to be scrubbing, not some other (I jest).

The work may seem endless, but it is ultimately for an endless, infinite God.  That perspective helps me when I am helping ungrateful children and when I feel ungrateful myself.

I love my life.  I begged God for this life.  I truly believe that God used all of my pregnancy losses and delayed adoptions to make my desire for children grow.  Perhaps I would have stopped after two children if they had come easily to me;  if I had not had a chance to see how precious a gift motherhood is and how desperately I wanted it.

When I feel overwhelmed and tired and sorry for myself, I try to remember how much my heart ached when I saw mothers with children.  When I had no children of my own, I knew something central was missing from my life.

And that was a gift.  Because I can never wonder if there is a better life out there for me.  I had it and I hated it.  I cried out for the kids and the chaos and all the work that comes with it.  

Be careful what you wish for.

(I jest again)

Day 8: Upside Down

A blog post I read today turned my thinking upside down. 

Please read it here.

It is about emotional attachment in adoptive parenting and how we feel pressure to sacrifice all on the alter of "secure attachment" in our children.

Sometimes we put so much pressure on ourselves as mothers.  Although my kids are attached pretty well (or on their way), I worry a lot about how much I can "reverse," for lack of a better word, the ill-effects of their institutional care as babies. Their battle scars are evident.

But all I can do is what I know to do now.  I am trying my best and perhaps that is good enough.  I love them, I take care of their needs, I encourage them, and teach them. Perhaps I am not meant to do more.  Perhaps I cannot change their minds and their hearts. Perhaps that is God's work and not my own.  

Surrender.  The older I get the more I see life is not about striving but about surrender. Soli deo gloria.

Day Five: Consistent Worship

I took five of the kids to church this morning.  For me, who is not used to getting up early and has never been a morning person, this was no easy task.  But so so worth it.  I love our church and feel so full of light and energy when I am there. And I feel its effects for the rest of the week.

I don't get to lean into the sermon as much as I would like to because I sit with two wiggly boys (who refuse to go to Sunday school).  But, still, I get so much out of just being amidst the music and the people.  Also, the kids just get so much out of Sunday school.

I have struggled with getting to church every Sunday because sometimes it seems like such a better idea to Get Things Done on the weekend instead.  I sometimes blame it on the fact that John doesn't go to church and therefore I need to get the kids together and out the door on my own, making it much harder.  But the truth is I just haven't been disciplined enough to make it a priority.  That is my goal this month: to make it to church every Sunday.

I want my kids to grow up knowing how much God loves them, and also knowing a community of believers who commit their lives to Christ.  Our church is mission-based and is full of people who devout their lives to helping those in need.  It is such a change from our greater culture that is so selfish and materialistic.

I think the best way for my kids to grow up to be that kind of Christian is to see their mother being one.  To see me giving my Sunday to God as just an emblem of what the rest of my life looks like.  I can only pray to be that mother.

Getting to know you

This process of getting to know a child I already loved long-distance is very strange.  He is so familiar to me on one hand, and a complete stranger on the other.  But I am learning more about him every minute.  First, he is very curious.  Curious like Curious George who is always getting into trouble.  Does anyone else remember the story when Curius George tries to go fishing and leans over to grab a fish but falls in?  Yeah, that almost happened about 20 times already.  

He is also an extrovert.  And a talker! He never stops talking: to me, to Nicholas, to our guides, even to complete strangers like this fisherman.  I am sad that I don't know more Mandarin because he must be so frustrated being with people who don't understands him.

 He is also so brave.  He will try anything, with just a little reassurance.  He tried swimming even though he was nervous.  I showed him how to hold his nose and blow bubbles underwater, and he tried it and got it right away.  I was so proud if him.

He also walked over this very narrow and wobbly "bridge" in Changsha to get to a dock where some TV station was filming a swim team award ceremony.  Elijah has a slight limp due to his club foot and isn't as sure- footed as typical kids, but he still went right over the bridge, smiling and giggling.

He is very playful and fun.  He and Nicholas are like puppies together: running! tackling! picking each other up, etc.

He is also silly and likes to make lots of faces and to tickle my toes when I am not expecting it.

He doesn't like my kisses yet. He wipes them off or squeals and makes a face.  But he likes hugs, likes to hold my hand, and sits close to me wherever we are.  

 

He loves to play with figurines and, as I have mentioned, loves the iPad.  I don't think he has used one before but he figured out how to play many games on his own and memorized the 2 different passwords on our ipad/ itouch.  

He has the sweetest little laugh.  He cracks up watching cartoons and whenever he tickles my feet. Or when he goes up and down the escalators.

He seems much younger than 7; more like 4 or 5.  I had heard to expect that.  He is big and strong and obviously well-cared-for, but just lacking in experience and impulse- control. He expects me to dress him and even feed him. He doesn't seem to know how to use chopsticks or a knife and fork.  I am not sure if he is just fearful and in frozen/passive mode or just really does not know these things.  I am taking it as an opportunity to foster attachment and build trust.  After all, I did not get the opportunity to feed and dress him when he was a baby, so I will do it now.  

I am loving my sweet boy and continue to lean on God from one moment to the next.  Praying that I am doing the best for him during this chaotic time in his life. Praying I seem reliable and kind and trustworthy.  Praying I feel safe as we get to know each other.

We're in Shanghai

After a long day of travel, we are in China.  And so happy to be here.  Our flight was not so bad; after sitting on the runway for an hour the rest of the flight was uneventful.  Nicholas was a wonderful travel companion, but he only slept for the last 2 hours of the flight.  We watched many movies and had fun one-on-one time together.

The Shanghai Pudong Airport was huge and so crowded.  If this were my first time in China, as were one other couple on my flight, I would have been really overwhelmed.  I wish we had more time to explore Shanghai.  We are only here until this afternoon, and then we are flying to Changsha in Hunan Province to meet Elijah.

On the flight, I started getting really overwhelmed and nervous about meeting Elijah.  It was the first opportunity in which I had a lot of uninterrupted time to think about meeting and spending out first few weeks together.  I know that eventually it will all be okay, but I am nervous about the beginning.  I am always nervous about beginnings.  I feel like I need a plan -- should I bring a toy with me? Have some phrases in Mandarin memozied? Have the room set up in a certain way for when we return?  I feel most comfortable when I have a plan, but for this, I have no idea.  I have no plan.  No matter how many books on adoption, or blogs about older child adoption I read, I cannot plan for this exact adoption.  I don't know how Elijah will react or the exact circumstances of our meeting.  I just have to wing it.

Or another way of looking at it is trusting.  I just have to trust in God that He will guide my actions and that our Gotcha Day will be whatever Eliijah needs to feel comfortable with me.  And, even if it isn't, that Elijah will eventually feel our love.  My consistent prayer since our match is only that Elijah will be able to accept our love, and be able to love us back.  I am not naive enough to think that we won't need to work on attachment, but pray that it will be there one day.  It has been amazing to be a part of the slow, gradual process of Nicholas coming to accept our unconditional love, our hugs, our attention, and our guidance. He had been home almost 7 years and I still see evidence that our bond and his trust is growing.  I can only hope that we have something similar with our newest son.