Day 23: Open House

Last night I took Olivia to an Open House at a private school in our area.  She will be starting middle school next year, and I thought it might be a good idea to check out some schools to see if she might like to go to a regular brick-and-mortar school for a change.  She didn't really want to go but she humored me.

Growing up I had always thought of private schools as something obviously superior but not attainable (for financial reasons, mostly). And even though we sent our kids to private schools before beginning homeschooling, that preconceived notion followed me into this information session last night.  I was ready to be wowed and to feel anxious about how on earth I could get my kids into this fantastic school.

But I wasn't.  I was completely 'eh' about the whole thing.

And, the thing is, it is a really good school.  I know that intellectually.  But what we got going on over at our house is even better.  Not because I am a great teacher.  Not because I am really energetic and organized.  But because the stuff that this prestigious school was trying to achieve in its students are the very things that homeschool does without even trying.

• they focus on student-directed interaction rather than the old top-down teacher-imparting-sacred-knowledge-model.  What this looks like is all the students sitting around a round table with the teacher and all discussing a topic, instead of the teacher standing at a chalkboard in front of rows of desks.  The phrase "there is no front row" was repeated often.  

• they get to know their students very well.  They develop relationships with these students and, in some subjects, they follow them for two years.

This was the gist of the presentation, and I kept waiting for them to really get to the clincher.  But, this was it:  sit in a circle and get to know the kids.

I know, I know that I am oversimplifying things, and that this school can offer so many things that homeschool can't:  like sports clubs and dynamic teachers who aren't our kids' very own parents (there is nothing better than a really cool, inspiring teacher...and I know it will be virtually impossible to be cool and inspiring to one's kids when they are teenagers) and friends they might not meet otherwise and on and on.

We realize that we are giving up some things when we decide to homeschool.  And that's okay because, as I have said before, we gain a whole host of other things that school can never offer.

But - wow, this never hit me quite like it did last night -- we sit in a circle and debate issues and learn things together ALL DAY LONG and no one knows our kids as well as we do.  So, really, the heart of what this fancy shmancy school was trying to sell?  Well, we can do it better.  

And for a fraction of the price, I might add.

I don't write this to try to convince everyone to homeschool. I really think homeschool is just one very good option, out of many.  And I don't write this to toot my own horn.  I am really writing it for ME because the last few months of homeschooling have been really really hard.

I have wanted to quit really badly.

I want some alone time.  I want some quiet.  I want to get a break from the 24/7 parenting.

I want to have a house that stays clean for just a few hours.  I want to have one meal that I am not preparing for 6 people. Whine whine whine.

And then there is the worrying that perhaps, just perhaps, I am screwing my kids up for life.  Public schools are screwing up kids left and right but, at least then, you can blame someone else.  

So, I went into last night ready to be swept away by this school  and have to make a big decision about whether or not to ditch homeschooling.  I was surprised to come away actually feeling better about good ol' Tiger Academy.  If I feel like maybe, possibly, hopefully I am doing something right in terms of my kids' education then I am less likely to feel bitter about the lack of peace, quiet, and order that I have been craving.

Not saying Olivia will definitely not apply, or that she or the other kids will not go back to school at some point.  But, for now, I feel better.  

Day 14: Consistent Feedback

Homeschooling has been hard lately.  Not the academic part (that is really only a small part of it) but the living-together-24-7-part.  There has been a lot of quarreling between the kids, and that leads to quarreling with me as I intercede.  It hasn't been pretty.

I have 6 kids with 6 big personalities.  There are always a lot of differences of opinions and it gets heated.  I don't like heated.  I like calm and peaceful.  And unicorns and rainbows.

I tend to tense up when the kids fight.  And then I react out of this nervous, negative energy. 

Think: 

"Stop it!" and  "You need to be NICE to each other!!!"  

That type of thing.

And - surprise, surprise - it doesn't work.  All it does is raise my blood pressure.

From everything I have read, and from every seminar I have taken (and I have read and attended A LOT), I need to be the regulating force in the family (as does John when he is here in the evenings and on weekends).  I need to be the calm with which the kids calibrate themselves.

This is so hard for me.  

How does one stay cool and calm when people around are screaming and crying?

I just don't know.

But, I have figured out that what I am doing is not working, so I have got to give calm a shot.  

Because when I get upset I am giving the kids very negative feedback.  I am focusing on what is going wrong and on what they are doing wrong.  And some (all?) of my kids are very sensitive to negative feedback.  And it exacerbates the situation.  

I am trying to give much more positive feedback, both in the midst of trouble and otherwise.  I am trying to be encouraging rather than just disciplinary.  

And I am trying to see every fight between the kids as not quite a "crisis" but as an opportunity for my own growth, as well as that of the kids'.  

Getting along is part of our curriculum, 

perhaps the most challenging and the most important. 

Day 7: Tuesdays

Every Tuesday three of the kids take classes at a local homeschool learning center.  Olivia is taking a writing class for the second year in a row, and Peter and Ellie are taking an art class.  It is a perfect fit for us because there are some things I love about schools -- what I don't like about it that is too much (all subjects, all the time, too much pressure for kids far too young, and almost all-encompassing to the point where people's identities seemed wrapped up in where their kids go to school, but I digress -- and the kids get these good things once a week at their learning center:  friends, inspiring teachers, learning to deal with the world outside of the parameters of home, and structure.

However, for three of my kids, for various reasons, we are waiting to join this 'school.'  There wasn't a good fit for Nicholas in terms of a subject that interested him at his learning level and on a day when we weren't busy with something else.  I am keeping Elijah close to me for at least this year as he learns English and continues to learn to trust me and how a family works.  And, obviously, Christopher is just too young.

So, every Tuesday, after we drop three of the kids off, we head to the park.  

The boys love it.  These three boys in particular are ACTIVE.  (Peter, on the other hand, is fairly mellow, God bless him.)  Nicholas and Elijah have their disagreements often at home, but when they are outside, things are golden.

It probably also helps that a few of the other kids are out of the picture for these few hours.  Dynamics change so much with the addition or subtraction of just one person.

I love these silly boys.

They are a lot of work, and they push me way out of my comfort zone, but oh how I love them.

If I had been able, magically, to see these pictures 20 years ago,  I would never have believed that these were my sons.  I would have sworn I would have only girls (I was so sure!) and I did not have the foresight to even think about international adoption.  I love how God's best for us is so different from our own plans.  Knowing that makes it so much easier to take it when our own dreams don't turn out the way we had planned: it is always always because there is something better.  Perhaps not in the short term, perhaps not in our lifetimes, but I trust that it is all for the best.

Christopher also had a great time.  He ran around like mad with the big boys and got some special time with mom.  He desperately needs a haircut, but he is still so darling.  He's a great example of something I did not plan.  I never would have thought that the delay of Elijah's adoption could have been a good thing, but look:  it is!  And Elijah and Christopher have such a special relationship, and even share a room now.  

I love my Tuesdays.

Day Two: Off

I am struggling with how to begin writing again.  On one hand, I want to be completely transparent about my journey through motherhood, homeschooling, and just my life in general.  But, on the other hand, I fear judgment and unsolicited advice that seems to come up sometimes when I am too open.  I have noticed that, especially with the paths I have taken than aren't common experience (adoption and homeschooling being 2 examples) I feel especially hindered in my ability to be honest.  Because then those paths in general, instead of my particular concern, are put into question. If I have a concern with my homeschooling, for example, then I sometimes hear "have you considered the public school?  They really are quite good." I am very happy with the decisions we have made: to homeschool, to stay at home with the kids, to have 6 kids etc.  I don't want an 'out'. But, I have been struggling lately.  For some reason, I am just off my game.  I usually love being a stay-at-home, homeschooling mom.  But I have had a hard time looking forward to the day recently.

I'm still sorting through why this may be the case.  We go through seasons of ups and downs, as any family does.  Our ups and downs depend largely on how busy our season of life is, and, of course, on our moods.  Again, this is just like any family.  Ours is just a little complicated by some of our kids' pasts and the coping mechanisms that have arisen from these.  Heck, it is complicated by my own coping mechanisms, or lack thereof.

I think I might have hit my tipping point with how little self-care I can get away with.  I stopped working out consistently in 2010, when Ellie came home.  I don't have much alone time, and as a certified introvert, I really need quiet in order to center myself.  I don't see my friends much, or even talk to John very often about matters other than household management.  I haven't even had the time, or made the time, for God lately. I don't say this because I feel sorry for myself, I am simply trying to explain (to myself, mostly) why I might feel off.

The kids have been fighting a lot.  A lot more than usual.  I loathe conflict -- I usually avoid it by all means possible.  But, I have been forced to be in the midst of it lately.  And, its draining me.  One of my kids has the need to control, and another has a fear of others controlling him.  You can imagine how this works out.  My kids are not the meek sort, and we have lots of emotions flying around all day long.

The mornings seem to be the worst.  As soon as we can get into our routine, things go a bit better. I have decided to write about consistency for the next 31 days partly to remind myself how important it is.  I tend to see routines as boring, but really they allow for us to be so much more efficient with our time and therefore more free.  When I have a routine in place, I don't have to think through every step and my mind is less cluttered.  And, as we always hear, routines make kids feel more secure and therefore less tension erupts.

Our day today started with "morning routine," which is what we do every day after breakfast: get dressed, put clothes in the hamper, brush teeth, make bed and tidy room.  But let me back up.  This is what we should do.  It doesn't always work out this way.  Often it is a big source of tension.


Today, Nicholas did a superb job and I snapped a picture to show off to Daddy.

We then move on to my lessons with the kids.  I start with the youngest (Ellie) and move up through to Olivia.  While I am working with each child, the others kids have independent work, lessons with a tutor, or play time (depending on the child and the day).  Christopher plays in the school room with me, or plays with a babysitter on certain days. 

So that's the plan, but this is the reality: a bunch of kids in the school room at one time.  

Elijah is really doing well in math.  We started him at the beginning of Kindergarten math and he is sailing along and just finished his first of 2 1st grade books.  Here he is learning about weights and scales.

  

As much as I wish the other kids would stick to their independent work and let me work one-on-one with each child, good things seem to arise from the rebellion. One thing I love about homeschooling is how the other kids, no matter how old they are or what level they are on, can jump in to a lesson and learn something.  Christopher is learning about balance on a basic level, while Nicholas is remembering how he did this a few years ago.  

And they are working on sharing, taking turns, patience, and communicating.  All skills that are very much needed around here.

The afternoons are always read-aloud time.   This is my favorite time of the day, as I get to cuddle with the kids and "do school" at the same time.  I think of attachment and bonding are part of our curriculum, because they are so foundational for having a functional, happy life.  And that is what education is supposed to prepare us for, right?

Box Day 2014

We love Box Day. 

It's the day our huge boxes of books and teacher's guides arrive from Sonlight, the company we use to purchase most of our curriculum.

Poor kids.  I always make them pose for our Box Day Picture before letting them tear open the boxes.

The girls never seems to mind.  

And Nicholas is being a good sport.

Smile!  Pretty please...

Get everyone in the photo!

Uh oh, Olivia is upset that no one is listening.

And, where is Elijah?

Good, thank you for still smiling, Ellie.

And I can see Peter's face now...

Okay, just hold on.  I'm sure Elijah is on his way...

 Nick, please stop it.

One more minute...

Wait, I'm losing some of them...

But, Ellie is still posing.

Back to where I started.  Thank goodness for little girls.

We later found Elijah inside.  He found his new math curriculum.

I hope he is this excited about it when we actually start using it.

It's like Christmas. Kind of.

Tearing open packages.

 Being silly.

Even Chrissy is in on the action.

I love that they think piles of books are so thrilling.  

May it stay this way.

Homeschool = Life

More and more, homeschooling is becoming just our life.  Sure, we use workbooks and curriculum.  But we work that into our normal, everyday, family life.

We do not have "school time" and "regular time" -- it is all scrambled together. 

And it makes life with a large-than-average-sized family so much smoother than it was when we went to traditional school.

For example, many times we do our reading practice at bed time.  Because, this is when all the kids actually want to read.  They are tired out and they are not fighting their impulse to move, as they are during the daytime.

I really love homeschooling this way.

It feels organic. Integrated. Natural.

(and also chaotic, cluttered, and loud!)

Sometimes it looks like the little kids in the sink so I can read aloud to the older kids.

Sometimes it looks like getting some reading in while your siblings have swimming lessons.

Or games on the kitchen floor (in our pj's) while I make lunch

Or painting with Ms. Julie in our living room.

A lot of the time, it means playing outside.

 And, even though we are not structured in the traditional sense, the kids are learning so much.  I think it is the combination of homeschooling being so time efficient (no lining up, managing the classroom, time-filler activities), our excellent curriculum (Sonlight plus a few tutors), and the fact that our kids' stress levels are low.  My kids -- I think most kids -- learn better when their cortisol levels are under control.

I also love how the kids get to learn by doing things that are interesting and important to them.  Here, Nicholas practicing his writing by writing (and drawing) about Star Wars.

And Elijah learns to sit and concentrate during school time by making a scrapbook of his baby pictures.

  

Of course, the kids also need to learn that they have to do things they don't love sometimes (like math -- sorry, John), but we try to spend most of our time doing things that are immediately meaningful to them.

We are now planning what we are going to do next year.  We are definitely homeschooling again, but still deciding what books to buy, and what activities to schedule.  For example, none of the kids took musical instrumental lessons this year and we think we should add it.

Also, we want to make sure we add more hands-on science.

We take each year as it comes, when it comes to deciding upon what to do about our kids' educations.  Personally, I hope the kids homeschool through high school, but I can't make that decision now.  Each of our children are so different and have different learning styles and needs.  I will have to just enjoy each moment that I have them home and not get too attached to my idea of what is "best."