Technology and Attachment

I have not been blogging very often not because things are hard and chaotic (although they can be, at times) but because technology has become an issue in our household lately.

As I have mentioned, Elijah is really into 'screen time,' be it TV or handheld devices, or computers.  

And, I know, this is not a huge issues.  We are blessed that we are not dealing with some big adjustment problems.  Elijah, on the whole, is loving, sweet, funny, and kind.  He has attached so well to me, and is warming up to John slowly.  He gets along well with his new brothers and sisters.

But he is obsessed.  More so than the average kid.  Much more than my other kids, at least.

And,  when he plays, he zones out.  It doesn't seem to matter what is on the screen, as long as he has something to stare at.  

And when I take it away, or limit it in any way, he is furious.

And when he sees me on the computer or iPhone, he is furious that I have it and he doesn't.  Thus, the no blogging.  Its hard to find time to 'sneak in' my screen time.

I know from lots of smart adoptive parents and therapists, that technology hinders attachment.  It pushes social interaction  out of the picture.  It is a safe escape from learning to attach to your new family.

So, I have taken all of our iPads and Leapsters and locked them in our safe.  And I have unplugged the TV's.  

So far, that has been awesome for our family.  And when the technology is out-of-sight, I don't have to say no all day long.

We all get to play a lot.

 Outside.

And in.

I have noticed how much I have used screen time as a crutch for me to get stuff done.

As my babysitter.

How did I not realize I was doing this?

I mean, we have a school time rule of no tv and iPads, but somehow they sneak in for "educational" reasons...and we sped less time really living.

I can't tell you how exhausted I am from all of the interacting I have been doing!  It is full on all day, every day.  Running, piggy back rides, biking, playing board games, cooking, etc.

Here is Olivia and I learning to make Chinese food with our fabulous Chinese teacher, Ms. Linda.

Chris joined in on the steamed bun fun, too!

All of this no screen time has been great for the entire family.  Elijah, in so many ways, is a reflection of our family.  Not how we want it to be, or how we hope to be one day, but how we are right now.

He mimics us because he is trying to figure out how to fit in around here, and sometimes I don't like what I see.  

But I am so grateful for this opportunity to see it, and to make changes.

Once again, adoption blesses me. 

But if I don't return your texts, please understand!

Christopher's Surgery and a Tangent

Christopher had surgery on Tuesday to separate three of his fingers on his left hand.  He was born with syndactyly of his left hand and missing fingers (he has 2) on his right one.  Hopefully, separating the fingers on his left hand will give him more ability as he grows.

We got up bright and early and headed to Shriner's Hospital for Children in Philadelphia.  Once again, I feel so blessed to live near such good hospitals.  Everyone else we met at the hospital had come from out of state and had to stay in a hotel or with friends and family in the area.

Christopher was fine in the morning.  He seemed even a little excited to be out of the house so early in the day.  What an adventure!

We were brought to our room to wait before surgery.  That was really nice.  For Nicholas and Ellie's surgeries (at a different hospital), we had to wait in a waiting room before getting ready for surgery.  

Shriner's is definitely smaller and less busy than Cooper (the hospital the other kids' cleft lip and palate teams work out of ) -- it has its advantages.  We felt less rushed and more attended to.  

They even had toys for Christopher to play with while we waited...and waited...

I only took pictures when Christopher was happy.  But there was a lot of whining and crying between the happy moments.  Not because he was scared or in pain, but because he was hungry!

Thank goodness for the toys that aided in distracting him for a while.

...along with a few games of peek-a-boo.

And some tickles.

But we waited a very long time.  And even the toys and games and tickles grew old.

He grew really hungry and thirsty.  He was pointing at my diaper bag as if to say "Mom, get out that bottle!  Or some snacks...you know, like you always do.  Why aren't you feeding me??"

Eventually he lost it and cried for about an hour.  And writhed.  And arched his back.  And hit me.  Even after giving him "giggle juice" or Versed, he continued his tantrum for about 20 minutes.  Ugh.

Finally he tuckered out in the pre-op room.  I turned him away from me because just looking at me (not feeding him) made him so angry.  

He fell asleep right before they needed to take him to the OR.  I placed him carefully on the stretcher and he didn't wake up.  The doctors told me later that he never woke up even as they administered the anesthesia.  So that was good.  

John and I hung out and talked during the 2 hour surgery. If we had to be at a hospital with our child, at the very least we could use the time to actually communicate.  That part was nice.  John and I haven't had much time to talk lately.

Christopher's surgery went really well.  When he woke up, he didn't cry much.  He was just so very grateful for the cup of apple juice they gave him.  He grabbed that cup with his good hand and never let go.  He downed 3 cups in about an hour.  

He glared at me: "don't ever starve me again!" (I imagined.)

After the 3 cups of juice and a little morphine, he passed out again.  We were discharged that evening with instructions on how to care for his arm in a cast, and a prescription for some pain medication.

He has been home for 2 days now and is doing remarkably well.  He does not seem to be in pain, and is walking all over the place as if he has always had a heavy cast on his arm.

He is not sleeping well -- up every 2-3 hours -- so I am very tired.  But what else is new?  I think it is uncomfortable to sleep with the cast.  Plus, he doesn't have his thumb available to suck to soothe himself back to sleep.

He will have his cast taken off in about 3 weeks.  Just in time for Christmas!  I feel so grateful that his procedure was a relatively minor one.  We met an adorable, sweet 11- year old with severe scoliosis, who has been in the hospital for a month and will be there until January.  She was in a halo traction splint and told us of two more major surgeries coming up.  We really are so blessed to be able to be recovering at home, and to be feeling so good.

I also feel so blessed to be in the position -- as an American, as a middle-class adult, as an adoptive mom -- to be able to help a child like Christopher, who would have been discriminated against for his condition in his birth country, or perhaps would not have had a surgery such as this available to him.

I often think to myself, "how did I get so lucky to be on this side of the adoption?" (i.e. the adoptive mother rather than the birth mother).  I am so blessed to have been born in a country that allows me the freedom to have as many or as few children as I chose.  And that allows me to adopt internationally. So lucky to have the means and support to raise my children.  So blessed to living in a culture that is at least beginning to accept all differences in people.

 I am so blessed that it is so relatively easy to give Christopher a much better standard of living.  I am not deluded into believing this has anything to do with me or my 'goodness,' -- I am just a willing participant and so so lucky.  

I wish somehow his birth parents could see how happy and competent and smart Christopher is.

I remember praying a quick little prayer one day -- back before I had kids and when I wasn't even sure if I believed in God:  "God, if you are real and you can hear me, please let me help some people while I am living.  Let my life make a difference to someone. "  And then I threw in "...like maybe animals or children??" (like the God if the universe would need a few ideas- ha!)  I often think about that prayer now and wonder if this is God's fulfillment to that desire.  I know there is so so much more I can do, and that so many do much more than I do.  But, I am also doing more than I ever imagined I would.  I think I envisioned my life being more about the American Dream and Success, the Perfect Family and a Career.  But things didn't go may way exactly.  Did my six pregnancy losses have something to do with that little prayer, giving me an unquenchable desire for children and forcing me to think about what it would mean to parent a child with medical needs?  Those losses certainly started me on my path to God, because before hard time in my life, I thought the secret to happiness was hard work and good planning.  Who needed God?

Did God throw me off course to give me even more than I could ever have imagined for myself?  To be part of Christopher's -- and all of my other children's -- stories?  To fulfill my desire to do some good with my life?

I don't know the answers to these questions -- maybe it is all the human brain's tendency to connect any dots to make a linear storyline??  But, if it is true - -and I like to think it is -- then I feel even more abundantly blessed to have been heard and answered by my loving creator.

The Experiment

So I am pretty much sold on the idea of homeschooling. I have been reading so much about it, like this and this and this , and I wholeheartedly believe that kids really need less structured "activities" and "lessons," but instead need their education to be a natural part of their lives. They need enthusiasm, love, playtime, and, yes, a little bit of math. I have come to see how school is an institution that most of us do not question -- but, why, really, do we need school? Why does learning need to take place in a group setting? With only kids ones' own age? With a "certified" teacher? Multiple studies have shown that kids do much better (in many ways: they score higher on tests, are more emotionally secure, more enthusiastic about learning, etc.) when they are taught to on an individual basis. And when there is time in the day for them to express themselves, and to be heard. All of these reasons led John and I to enroll our kids in small private schools, but perhaps there is an even better (for us, of course) way to do it. Maybe the lessons could be geared toward my kids' specific interests and learning styles. Maybe there is a way to go at their own pace, without being measured against a "norm."

I was a teacher before becoming a mom. I loved it as much as I was overwhelmed by it. It was the most challenging and exciting job I have ever had, save motherhood. I was also a student (for many, many years) and I loved that, too. I am a card-holding nerd. I love books, notebooks, pens, dry-erase boards, and, most of all, ideas. The only job besides being a SAHM that I can imagine doing is teaching.

But -- those are only my theoretical reasons for homeschooling. The practical implications of it might be much less fun. So, this summer John and I have decided to refrain from signing the kids up for any summer camps (gulp), have them stay home all summer, and "do homeschool." It will be a three month tester for us. We will see how things might actually works when everyone is together 24/7, when I am not only keeping up with household chores and my own personal life (i.e friends, doctor's appointments, working out etc.) but also with lesson planning, teaching, and supervision of the children all day long. This is where the rubber will meet the road.

We are also curious to see how the kids adjust to it. Will they miss being around their peers for the summer? Will they be bored when not kept busy 7 hours a day? I mean, we will be doing a lot, but our intention is also to slow down and have a lot of time for play, for thinking, for resting.

This will also be a time to concentrate more on some character traits that need attention, such as self-control and responsibility. I feel as though I do not have time to work on these matters with the kids when we arrive home at 5:30 at night, hungry, tired, and in dire need of a bath. I think one way we will work on this will be through setting up a chore system. Morning and evening chore routines will add some structure to the day.

So...let's see how it goes...I am going to have an open-mind and try to be flexible. I want to be really open to how this will work and have that not be shaded by my own desire for it to be a cure-all for my recent sense of unease.

Spring Break Musings

I've been thinking a lot about this concept of simplicity in family life lately. Specifically, how can I make this ideal work in a way that makes sense and feels authentic to us. Why is it important anyway? The kids are on Spring Break this week (and last) and it has actually given me time to stop and think about what it is I want from my family life; and what it is that is missing.

Myla and Jon Kabat-Zinn wrote this wonderful book, Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting, that was life-altering when I first read it (I have read it and reread it multiple times now). Being mindful as parents, in other words being aware and present, is so much harder than it sounds. Life moves so fast, and you are so so tired! It can be repetitive and trying. It is so easy to escape into a TV show or my iPhone instead of listening to a 2-year-old's seventeenth question about garbage trucks. It is so much more entertaining to talk to another adult for a few minutes -- which turns into an hour -- than to engage in a moment of rivalry between siblings. It is easier to drive from activity to activity than to play yet another game of Candy Land, with no one playing by the rules. But the Kabat-Zinn's remind us that "mindful parenting involves keeping in mind what is truly important as we go about the activities of daily living with out children." In those moments when I am actually listening to the garbage truck questions or squabbles, or playing that 24th game of Candy Land, I enter into that moment. I find that elusive joy that comes from the overused phrase, "being present." And I feel connected to my kids.

That is what is missing: the connections. After rushing the kids into the minivan by 7:15 in the morning (lots of admonitions and stress involved), then going to the gym or cleaning the house or going grocery shopping or occasionally seeing friends, then getting the little ones down for naps, then picking up the kids, rushing to after school activities, coming home and making dinner, getting the kids into the bath (lots of admonitions and stress involved), then getting them to sleep...I feel like I have barely acknowledged my kids, let alone heard their thoughts or feelings. And my poor husband has barely been kissed on the cheek before I pass out cold. The weekends are a little better, but sometimes they are just as full.

Something is not right here. At least for me. This is not what I yearned for during the years of losing my pregnancies and dreaming of a family. I have still yet to figure out how to remedy the situation, but something is a-brewing. I can feel it.

Coming Out

What I am going to say causes people's eyes to bug out of their heads. It is something I never considered -- I didn't even know what it was -- until perhaps 2 years ago. It is something that equally thrills me and scares me; something that might actually turn our lives towards simplicity...or maybe it will just cause me to lose my mind. But I am coming clean today: I am a wanna-be-homeschooler.

I think my husband thinks I have watched one too many episodes of 19 kids and Counting. But, really, that is not it. The idea started mostly because I am very very interested in teaching my kids. I was a teacher, and I miss it. I love seeing that little lightbulb go on in kids' minds. I love seeing their enthusiasm as they learn new ideas. I love learning and re-learning along with them. I would think that perhaps that I needed to resume my career as a school teacher, but that is not the lifestyle I want. While I admire and sit in awe of working moms, I know it is not the path I choose. I want less rushing around, less time away from my kids and husband, more time to sit and stew in the eucharisto, the gifts and the gratitude of life.

I started reading about homeschooling as I read some adoption blogs. Blogs have really opened up the world for me; I have learned about other types of family life that were really unheard of before to this Jersey Girl. I never heard of people who had adopted many (and I mean many) children. Also, I had never really spent any time with a bona fide Christian family. My only Christian friend was someone I met in college and who, regretfully, I met with a mixture of curiosity and fear. I was raised Catholic, but that is not the type of Christian to which I am referring. I mean the type who use the word "Jesus" in everyday conversation. The type who capitalize the "h" in "him" and who go on mission trips. The types who really and truly try to create a better world, and, for them, it is all due to Jesus Christ. (Note that I am not saying Catholics do not do this -- just not the Catholics I met. They were all sneaking into the girls' room to smoke cigarettes...wait, did I just make that more offensive?)

Anyway, some of these strange families (some of these did not have 11 adopted children, and some were not avid Christians) I met online also homeschooled. I could not read enough about this. It totally fascinated me. Oh, the curriculum! Oh, the notebooks and worksheets! And, by far the biggest source of my excitement: oh, the literature! I wanted to teach my child to read. I wanted to read Alice's Adventures in Wonderland with them. I wanted to teach them Shakespeare.

And, as it turned out, I also wanted us to be the type of family, although not necessarily Christian or jumbo-sized, that homeschooling might be most apt to support.

to be continued...