Some days

…are harder than others.

It turns out that Elijah's file IS at the CC@@, but it is not available for the Shared List (the place where our agency could find it).  Apparently, his orphanage has a one-to-one relationship with another agency.  This means that this agency gets all of the files from the orphanage, and will be able to match them with their families.  Elijah's file will most likely be matched with another family.

We do not know which agency has this one-on-one relationship.  If we did, we could ask this agency to transfer this file to our agency.  It might not happen, but we could try.  Nicholas' file was actually originally listed with an agency that was not our own.  This agency graciously transferred the file (for a not-so-small fee) to ours so that we could adopt him promptly.

I spent the last few days emailing every US agency that works with China.  Most of these agencies emailed me back that they do not work with Elijah's orphanage.  I also posted on most online adoption bulletins and message boards.  Nothing.

I am wondering now if he is listed with a non-US agency.

Our agency has posted on a board that all agencies see, to see if they can find out that way.

I feel discouraged today.  And a little humbled.  So much reading I am doing points to the fact that we try to implement our own plans and then ask God to fulfill them, rather than waiting on God and following his plans.  I admit, Elijah has been my plan from the beginning.  And I thrust this plan, this desire of my heart, onto John and into my prayers.  It is hard to let go of my old secular humanistic "I can make anything happen" ideology.  It is so hard for me to let go and to release my dreams of what my life should look like.  Of what I think should happen in the world, with the orphan-crisis, etc.

When I read of "dying to self," this must be what it looks like.  Saying, "okay, God, I turn it over to you."  My life is not mine for the making, it is yours -- always has been and always will.  Help me to let go where I need to let go, and to see your will when it is laid out before me.