Can't Explain

It's hard to explain to anyone how I feel the way I do about this little guy.  We have only met once, and couldn't speak the same language.  He was too shy to even really make eye contact with me. But I adore him. And I ache to be his mama.

I understand -- at least intellectually -- that bringing home a 6 year old will be hard.  He does not know what it means to live in a family.  To have siblings.  He will need to learn English, to learn our culture, to learn to trust.  He will be grieving the loss of his friends and caregivers (once again).  He will be scared.

My other kids will have to make room in their already well-established sibling dynamic.  They will have to share Mom and Dad some more.  They will have to stretch to understand a little boy who has a lot of adjusting to do.  They will have a lot of adjusting to do themselves.

But I truly feel like I just have to bring this guy home.  It feels beyond my control, really.  Every step I have made in this adoption process has been compelled by thoughts and emotions that just won't leave me alone.  Or let me sleep.  Or let me leave my poor husband alone.

I pray every day for Elijah's heart.  That his heart has not been broken to a point of no return, by all of the moves he has been forced to make, by all of the attachments that have been broken, all of the goodbyes unsaid.  I pray that he was not traumatized by the surgeries and hospital stays that he had without parents there to hold his hand, and to be there when he work up from anesthesia, to reassure him that the pain will go away.  Perhaps he had a loving ayi with him during those times?  I hope so.

I am excited to see how Elijah's life unfolds.  I know God has a plan for him.  I hope it is with us, but perhaps it is not.  I place it all in God's hands and continue to work on my own trust issues.  Trusting in the process of life.  Trust in God.