Saturday, May 12, 2012

It's Official!

It's official:  we are homeschooling next year!  I am both nervous and excited, sad and happy, overwhelmed and convinced it is the right thing.  We had planned to start with homeschooling Nicholas only this year, but events kind of conspired in ways that made it seem best for us to homeschool the 3 oldest kids (we are not sure where Ellie will be next year, due to her speech delay).

It feels both sad and scary to say goodbye to a school we have been part of for 5 years.  I will miss the friends, the community, the sense (false as it sometimes may be) that someone else is making sure my kid is on track.  The end of the year school events are going to be bittersweet.  Yet, I also feel such freedom!  How wonderful it is to do the things I always wanted to do, yet was too scared to dare.  Adoption felt like this:  scary in a good way.  Once we made this decision, my whole world seems a bit different.  Like anything is possible.  Gone are my needs to placate and please other people, and my desire to look 'normal' or admirable.  Okay, those needs are not completely gone, but it is so nice to see that when I try these things that seem so frightening (like, for example, telling the grandparents we are homeschooling), it is not as bad as I think it will be.  In fact, I have had a lot of support!  I can't help but think, "what if I lived my life doing all that I thought was right for me?  What if all of my fears that prevent me from doing so are false?"

I keep thinking of the quote I have over my desk:

"One of the greatest feelings in life is the conviction that you have lived the life you wanted to live -- with the rough and the smooth, the good and the bad -- but yours, shaped by your own choices and not someone else's" -- Michael Ignatieff

I am committed to living my life the way that feels right to me, to no longer ignoring that small voice telling me that something is not what it should be.  Exhilarating!

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